A documentary was on TV tonight.
Sadly, No.
It was a question about why some single young people hadn't found mates.
I must admit, had I been still married, I might also probably be buying into the warped view of singleness as being a somehow deficient way of living. My marriage came to an end. To use the conventional vocabulary, my marriage had 'failed'. Our RELATE counsellor described our marriage although having ended was, nevertheless, a 'success'. Look at what we got from it! We found each other. We were a happy couple for a time. We produced two wonderful sons who have grown into amazingly fine young men who we're both very proud of.
A new chapter in both of our lives began. For me, it was a flash-point where I was amazingly fortunate to be able to buy a one bedroom flat on a 15 year mortgage. I was nearing my 50th year. November 1st 1999 was the day I left work for the day and went to the estate agent's to pick up the keys for my very own flat.
A female friend of mine who lives in the USA articulated an almost evangelical zeal for her singleness, which inspired me. However, I accepted that singleness does take women differently. Women often have an emotional strength of character that seems to equip them well for a single life. Men, studies have shown, don't seem to fare so well. Although I did play back a voice-mail from Dateline which seems to contradict the strong women ethos. This lady wanted a man to 'complete' her.
I declined on the grounds that only you can make you complete.
Early days and happy indeed at having my own flat, but I prepared myself for the possibility that my happiness may not last. Perhaps it would be a 6 month thing and I would be climbing the walls?
No, 6 months came and went. I still came home from work, happy that I actually had my own flat.
A year, then? No. Ah! perhaps it's an anniversary thing, like birthdays and Christmas?
No, not really. 5 years and the 10, still very happy being here in my bijou flat.
My ex- and I had parted very amicably. There's often an 'awkward' phase. It's not knowing quite where the new boundaries are, I guess. We morphed into a different kind of 'family' again, but this time with different addresses. If I was ill, my ex- would go shopping for medicines, food. She would make sure I was OK. My Mum adores her and is pleased to have gained a new daughter.
I did briefly deviate from my singleness. I moved away, discovered I was, in fact, one of those ghastly blokes that couldn't commit and then moved back into my flat.
10 years have passed since then and I won't be moving again anytime soon.
When you tell some people you're single, some people look crestfallen, just like when you've told them someone you love has died. 'Oh you poor thing!' Next, I try to guide them from their depression and assure them I am OK, more than OK. I have to be careful with the emphasis otherwise I find I've convinced them I'm putting a brave face on things. Then when I have managed that, they believe I'm gay. Of course, trying to state you're not gay means you're in denial and oh dear... only trying to be clear about what I want.
That's how ingrained this view of singleness misery is.
Single, even in 2013, means:
- you are lonely (climbing the walls)
- you are socially inept
- you have no social life
- you are emotionally incomplete
- you have self-esteem issues
- you aren't really 'normal'
- you're happy on the outside, but crying inside
What singleness means for me is - none of the above!
I still have a nice family life. I call in to say hello and have a cup of tea round my ex-'s. I visit my sons without the need for a social worker, a police officer or a solicitor. It is so nice in every single respect. The only difference is we live apart.
I am not against marriage. I think it's wonderful. Perhaps it isn't for me? I don't know. Maybe one day, I will meet a woman who I just can't imagine my life without and I will want to marry her. I will not waste my life searching. I am pretty convinced that searching for love is wrong-footed.
'Love is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention towards other things it will come and softly sit on your shoulder'.
It's the turning your attention to other things. Learning how the cosmos works, why diet coke still makes you fat, what makes music so amazingly wonderful, why coffee beans disappear so fast (that might be just me). Putting up all those shelves you've been meaning to do for the last 5 years.
I am reading a surprisingly enjoyable book 'Happy To Be Single' by Liz Hodgkinson with a delicious subtitle 'The Pleasures of Independence'. Don't be put off by the 1990's style cover. The writing is still as fresh as a daisy.
Part of what probably equips me for enjoying my singleness is that I have been loved.
Strangely, I felt that I had been alone, or lonely, for a great part of my life, despite having lots of people around me. Having my own place, ironically, I feel less lonely.
With solitude, you learn a self-sufficiency that perhaps others miss out on.
Loving a woman who you know you can never have.
Equally, finding the courage leave when you don't love someone in return.
Both of these are so hard. You will get over it and you will have grown so much.
The longer I live as a single man, the more natural and right it feels.
Being single is cool!
